My.Life

Maybe he was right. I can’t stand the fact that he refused to do fun things. Or when I finally convince him to do SOMETHING, he complains. I need excitement, randomness, laughing, smiling, FUN. grr, I am so frustrated. I just dont understand how someone wouldnt want to have fun and go places. We really are exact opposites. When I see the world, I see a playground waiting to be explored. When he sees the world, he sees nothing except water and land. He hates my music, my type of friends, my car, my job, my “scene”, my food. blah. I hate it. but I hate that I couln’t break up with you even if I wanted to because I love the bagebees out of you.

Doode. We have been together, not even 4 months. That was the most overwhelming thing ever. Ughhh.

I think I made the right choice to forgive and forget. Hopefully.

“what attracts me to you now, that you love to do things and be around, will ultimately be the reason I grow apart from you.” That’s always something I love to hear from my boyfriend. Hahah.

Yeah, well. Fuck you! Texting me I’m sorry does not do anything except piss me off! Two years I wasted on you. Two years of you lying. You cheating. You stabbing me in the back. Fuck you and your damn text messages. You’re worthless to me. You broke my heart into so many pieces that it terrified me to trust anyone. Then I finally am happy. Finally moved on. Finally in love for real. Gahhh. I hate you. And that you still can make me get this jumbled with just two flipping words.

I can’t get ahold of all the things I am thinking about. One second I will be consumed by thoughts of my biggest mistake/lesson/doochebag (the Boy that you think will change for you). Then I think about my mom, who just put a tracker on my phone (the Ironic thing is above her door it says “trusting, loving, and careing mother”). Then you got work (yawwwn), scholorships (snooze), and cleaning of the house (zzzzz). Then of course I have my friends that always keep this mind of mine all jubbled. Who’s mad at who?( don’t care) Why is blah blah here when blah blah didn’t even invite them?(ask blah blah) Who told them this!? (probably me) Why are they always together?(I’m thinking they like hanging out?) Why don’t we talk as much crap about each other and act like we are best friends? (ding ding ding. We have a winner) ha. Well I guess me saying all that is talking shit. But. Eh. Haha. Anyway. More about this mind of mine. After a few more seconds of my confused thoughts I start thinking about my boyfriend. (sweet, caring, loving, loyal, yeah basically all the traits of a trustworthy dog. Haha) he is really perfact for me. So naturally I try to constantly push him away. It’s a great little game I have with myself. (I pretty much always lose). And well if that wasn’t enough of a little brain blast. I am constantly thinking of this stupid health thing. Not knowing exactly what is going on inside me is terrifying. “we can’t do anything.” I call BS on that because I just saw on greys anatomy they pulled a tree truck out of somebody, and those were actors. I am sure that trained doctors could KO this thing in a second. Right?

And I don’t know if I like it.

I used to see the world so much differently. People are no longer all “nice” and “good” in my eyes.

I am in love. I know I couldn’t be with out my little “pistol” now. But when I get messages from the past. From the things I tried to forget. I can’t help but question if I made the right choice. If I hadn’t chose him over you, would we still be together? Would you still sing to me and make me songs? Would I still get a note from you everyday? Or would I be staying over? And playing cards? Would you still studder from nervs? Would I still blush at your smile? Would we cuddle and tell secrets? Would we push each other on swings? Would we have finished learning that song? Or driven the rest of the mccarren loop? Would we have finally gone camping? And stayed up all night long? Or would it be how it is now, where everything is gone?

It’s when you say “I miss you,” that I really start to crumble.

The simpliest days are the greatest!

Funny how when you have the bad boy all you want is the sweet guy. Then when you have the sweet guy all you miss the bad boy.

Riding your bike around mccarren, going to the river, ice cream, card games, dressing in each others shirts, “the best places in Reno” trip, late night talks, late night walks, people watching, dressing up for Halloween, random drives, getting pulled over, warnings from cops, crazy girlfriends, crazy boyfrineds, secrets, bunny rabbits, piggy back rides, rock paper sissors, JA, tie-dye tux and dress, bowling, lazer tag, movies at midnight, wrestling, little dinosours, virgina city, Carson, 100 mph rides down the highway, cookies, street vibrations, parks, naked bike rides, cold and lonely nights, jokes about nothing, nicknames, fucking every girl in the world, new years, summer. I can’t believe how close I got to losing all of that. I will keep my friendships so much closer now then I ever thought I would. Love you Donald Roy Abbott<3

I just saw my bestfriend getting preped for emergency surgery on his knee after getting over 50 stitches in his back and finding out his kidney has blood in it. One Foot to the right or left he would have been in a 30 foot valley. If he wasn’t wearing his backpack, he would have been cut in half by a mile marker. I’m just glad that he is alright, and that he had somebody watching over him right then. That made me realize that you should always forgive and forget things because you never know when life could end.

I have the feeling again but ten times stronger. I thought I new what love was. Then I met you. Movies makes since. Love songs have meaning What we have isn’t just a here and now only thing. The moment i met you I became more of myself then ever. I love you not for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. <3

I hope it’s alright to be terrified. Worried that I won’t get to live the long Life that I want. Not traveling the world. Not starting a family. Not finding the man that will call me his forever. Or not even being able to go to college. It terrifies me only because of how unsure life can be. One word could change your entire life, and you have no say in the matter. So instead of hiding behind a word. I am going to push through it. Ill live my life ten times more exciting then I already do, and enjoy more of the simple things.

It’s weird all of the different connections you have with people.