Who really knows me? Does anyone? I put on such a good front and form myself so much around other people that I have lost the real me along the way. I am the perfect person for everyone else to get along. But is that really the person I am. I want to run away and find myself. Disappear. Would anyone notice. I “spread myself so thin” that I’m no ones priority. No ones main thought. I hide so well behind this person I have created that I no longer can see past her. It’s who I am. It’s me now. And I hate it.
Crying because of the obligations I feel right now. Crying because I can’t convince you it’s right. Crying because I don’t want to stop being adventurous and having fun. Crying because I’m tired of this. Crying because it feels better to cry for myself then to realize I’m being selfish.
WTF! You have got to be kidding me! The one guy. The one. That I have had the absolute biggest crush on since the moment I fucking saw him wants my number now. Really? This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard!! I want to whoot and hollar at the top of my lungs and tell him he better give him my number. But I have a boyfriend. Dammit. Not dammit that I have a boyfriend. Just dammit that he really is wanting to go on a date now. Really? Skodysosobfns. One week earlier. Just one. Mother fuck. Gahh.
I’m embarrassed. I don’t want people to know me as being that way. That’s not who I am. Why do I do that kind of stuff. It’s like I freak out when I like someone and don’t want to give myself 100% to someone. Gah. I am going to be different. I am changing my ways. I don’t want to be that girl ever again.
I feel like I have to watch what I say on here now. I think I am going back to my online journal.
It would be nice to run away from just my thoughts and into a new world. But for now, I’ll settle for hitting the gym.
Gahhh. I wish I knew what I wanted. Just got kinda jealous for probably no reason at all. I need to just know where I am going to be so I can be there. I wish my mind would just stop thinking sometimes. Like completely stop.
Don’t get me wrong I am very excited to spend time with my family and to get a break from school. But lets be real, I drifted away from 98% of the people who I was friends with there. What the hell am I going to do for a month?
Hang out with me!!(:
Like opened up about everything. I don’t do that… Ever.
Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. For the last 18 years of my life I have barely asked for anything. On Christmas and my birthday I don’t ask for presents from you because I don’t want to be a burden. All I want in life is to get an education and I asked you 6 months ago to help me. And now you say you just didnt have enough time to plan. Fuck youuuuuuuu. How am I supposed to pay for school. I barely make enough to pay my bills now. Cool.
Had a great day with my mommy. Starting to really appreciate everything she has done for me.
I think I am going to meet some new people today.
People find out I’ve never smoked weed before and they get all excited and say “well you can smoke with me your first time.” and I’m just laughing so hard inside. Obviously I won’t. The only people I wanna smoke with for my first time would be Jean, Matt, and Eric. No one else.
Proud of you hill. (: