I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I want to be free of you. I want you to be free of me. I’m giving you to all those girls, any girl really. We will never be the same after the words you said and the actions I took. It’s time for me to let you go. I’m scared. I don’t want to start over….
I’m in trouble. I am talking to this boy. Just started talking to him. He’s cute. Fun. And I’m comfortable around him. But, he is my ex boyfriends/boy I still hang out with like everyday’s close friend. Waaa waaaa waaaaaa.
Now I feel like a bitch for saying I feel obligated to hang out with her, but I can’t just bail on her. Even though we didnt have plans, I know if Kac were here he would be hanging out with her. So for now, devin will have to wait.
Mehhhh. I wanna throw a temper tantrum right now. Just like a little kid. I want to go hang out with devin and I had plans to too. But Rachel wants to hang out and I feel obligated. It’s Not like I don’t love hanging out with her. That’s not it at all. But I haven’t seen d in a week and well in lamer terms, I miss him. But now I’m gonna bail on him again. Which means we will not be hanging out for another week because he is gonna throw a fit. KwkdjdodoowoqnnalalallcxmmxmskriBjkskJJSOSOSOWPQUIFNNCBB!! So frustrating.
The article I just read said to never stop these steps from happening. Only to help them happen. And to not say things will be okay eventually. It is counter active and won’t give reassurance for the situation at hand. I think I might repose the article if I can because it was really helpful.
How am I expected to ever know how to deal with this. I know I am the one that you come to for everything. But how am I supposed to watch my best friend hurt so bad. It crushes me. You are so right baby girl. It’s not fair. Not fair at all. This isn’t what is supposed to happen. This isn’t what you deserve. This isn’t what his family deserves. I know how wrong it sounds, but why couldn’t it have happened to someone else. I was supposed to see you walk down the isle to kacey. You were supposed to be Rachel Mishawn Fye. I was suppose to write a bridesmaid letter, not a goodbye letter. Fucking A. I was supposed to be threatening him to never leaving her, not praying to him and wishing he would just come back to her. It truly crushes me to have to watch my best friend suffer and I can’t do anything to help get rid of the pain except hope I’m a big enough distraction for her to push it aside for that moment. But it’s almost as if I’m the only one that she thinks of him in front of. Maybe it’s all the memories we have together. Or even that she trusts me enough to cry in front of. But regardless, I wish I could be the friend that is there to laugh with all the time because it is so hard to hold back my emotions when hers are laid so blatantly out there. I’m honored she thinks so highly of me, I guess I just have to find the strength in myself. With that. I miss you Kacey Lee. And you sure as fucking hell better be watching over Rachel and helping her through this. And I forgive you for your choices and I am sure in time Rachel will as well with time. Fly those motorcycles high in the sky. 7.17.06 <3
Hate the fact that if I wanted to hang out with a boy at anytime of the day, I could hang out with them. But the one that I really want to hang out with is the one that puts up a fight to hang out. I think I am gonna give up with it. I can never win, so I am going to find a boy that makes me smile. And wants me more then I want him. Haha. Sounds simple, but…
A night that I will forever cherish. I feel so loved and comforted. This day was an amazing day. I can’t wait to experience my day tomorrow. It is sure to be full of tears, smiles, memories, and goodbyes. But also (and most of all) the START of something great. I will end my drunken thoughts on that note. (:
Accepting the fact that I am getting older. It’s my time to graduate. It’s my time to move out. It’s my time to walk around UNR campus like it’s my school. It’s finally my time, and I am so Fucking ready!!(:
I know you’re the biggest piece of shit I’ve ever met. I know you were my “first love” and all that bullshit. I know it’s MY fault for continually going back to you. I know it’s MY fault for thinking that sex will lead to us dating once again. I know it’ll never lead to dating again. So why am I…
"when times are tough in my life, and when they are tough in training, and when they are tough in battle, I’m going to remember you, and it’s going to give me a reason to push on, a thing to fight for, a thing to die for."
You are the only person that could ever make me cry by what you put in my year book. It is going to be nearly impossible to see you go. But I could never stop you because you have “warrior blood.” You have become my best friend and I am going to miss you soo much. Please stay safe. Love you Pauly! <3